Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Changes
What is so scary about changes in life? I've been thinking about that lately. With some big changes coming my way, I've felt some trepidation and fear. I've wondered to myself what exactly am I afraid of... Failure? Rejection? The unknown? Perhaps it's all of the above. I will just have to keep reminding myself that change is good! I need change. I've been yearning and waiting for change. Now that it's come, I must embrace it and learn to love it!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Misery Loves Company
When they say misery loves company, it's true. Somehow seeking out others who are equally or MORE miserable and heartbroken soothes the pain. It provides the blessed reassurance that indeed, we are not alone in our suffering. I never became one of those people until this past week. In an attempt to replace the emptiness a love once filled, I went searching for people with more tragic stories and experiences than my own.
I read about Nie Nie, who was in a horrible plane crash and suffered 80% burns to her body, requiring many extensive surgeries that will likely continue for the rest of her life. I read about C. Jane, who endured years of infertility. I read about Jennifer, whose husband suddenly passed away, leaving her and their daughters without a husband and father.
As I read the stories of these people, my own pain was temporarily forgotten and alleviated. Compared to what they went through, who am I to complain? There are truly amazing people out there, who in the face of extreme trials, choose to live life and love it. It may not have come easily or quickly for them, but sooner or later they did make that choice. To embrace the pain and move on to a brighter future.
I too have had to eventually make that choice many times in order to find happiness again. It was never easy, but each succeeding time became easier with practice. More often than not, I had to remind myself multiple times of the decision I've made. To choose happiness and hope no matter the circumstance.
But this time, my decision to move on has been repeatedly met with my own doubts.
"But we were impossibly perfect for each other."
"Maybe he'll come around someday."
"How will I ever find someone I could talk to and have fun with like I could with him?"
"Will I really find someone better than him?"
"Will I ever feel like the luckiest girl alive again?"
Each day the doubts have lessened. My prayers for reassurance that I made the right decision are slowly being answered. I know one day, I will know without a doubt that things worked out for my own good, as it always does. For now, I can only hold on to the belief that the best is yet to come.
I read about Nie Nie, who was in a horrible plane crash and suffered 80% burns to her body, requiring many extensive surgeries that will likely continue for the rest of her life. I read about C. Jane, who endured years of infertility. I read about Jennifer, whose husband suddenly passed away, leaving her and their daughters without a husband and father.
As I read the stories of these people, my own pain was temporarily forgotten and alleviated. Compared to what they went through, who am I to complain? There are truly amazing people out there, who in the face of extreme trials, choose to live life and love it. It may not have come easily or quickly for them, but sooner or later they did make that choice. To embrace the pain and move on to a brighter future.
I too have had to eventually make that choice many times in order to find happiness again. It was never easy, but each succeeding time became easier with practice. More often than not, I had to remind myself multiple times of the decision I've made. To choose happiness and hope no matter the circumstance.
But this time, my decision to move on has been repeatedly met with my own doubts.
"But we were impossibly perfect for each other."
"Maybe he'll come around someday."
"How will I ever find someone I could talk to and have fun with like I could with him?"
"Will I really find someone better than him?"
"Will I ever feel like the luckiest girl alive again?"
Each day the doubts have lessened. My prayers for reassurance that I made the right decision are slowly being answered. I know one day, I will know without a doubt that things worked out for my own good, as it always does. For now, I can only hold on to the belief that the best is yet to come.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
He Called Me Sunshine
He called me Sunshine before he knew my name. Somehow it stuck.
"It suits you," he later said. "You bring sunshine to my life."
So I became his sunshine, if only for a moment in time.
Our relationship was a roller coaster ride. For a while, the ride was all downhill, heart-jumping-out-of-your-chest kind of excitement.
At 3 am each night before ending our 5 hour long conversations, he whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Sweet words that one day soon became nothing. Nothing more than empty words and broken promises.
"Sleep all day while I work, sweetheart."
"You're my sweetiest sweety in the world."
"Someday I will give you all my money and everything I own, honey."
"If I married you, I'd love you forever."
My mind was mush during those moments. I couldn't think clearly. I was only capable of feeling in my heart that no one else could be more perfect for me. But before I could begin processing what he said, those words were replaced by silence and brief, thoughtless responses. The ride from then on only became an endless, uphill anticipation to get to the top for the fun downhill rush of a descent. Except that moment never came again.
When the ride finally got to the top, it only came down crashing. Painfully hard. And of course, I crashed with it.
In the aftermath of that incredible crash, I'm picking up pieces of broken hopes and dreams. Some pieces are still missing, perhaps forever lost. But I will do my best to complete the puzzle once again, and fill the missing pieces with whatever I find along the way. And someday, my puzzle will be complete once again.
In the aftermath of that incredible crash, I'm picking up pieces of broken hopes and dreams. Some pieces are still missing, perhaps forever lost. But I will do my best to complete the puzzle once again, and fill the missing pieces with whatever I find along the way. And someday, my puzzle will be complete once again.
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