Hello There. It's Been a While.

Life has been good. It's mostly been sunshine in my life as of late, with a few scattered thunder storms here and there. I've been keeping busy, which I have figured out is always the best way to go. I am trying to fill my life with good things. Great things. Sometimes I fail, but for the most part, I think I'm doing fairly well. I think being a nurse in the ICU helps me feel like I'm doing something good with my life. Something important. I have the power to lighten the burdens of so many each day. It's a great blessing.

Lessons Learned: Today is Happily Ever After

Yes, today is my happily ever after. It's what I've learned after too many years of just sitting, waiting, and wishing. It's a shame it took me so long to realize that happily ever after doesn't begin with a Prince Charming, or a slimmer figure, or even that purse I've had my eye on for months. IT STARTS NOW! After hearing several talks on this topic recently, it has finally sank in. What was I waiting for when happiness was sitting right in front of my eyes all along?! The only thing I need to be happy is to keep the commandments, put the Lord first, and to love and serve others. That's all there is to it! No more wasting time wishing without doing. Today is my happily ever after.

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes by President Uchtdorf from his talk, "Forget Me Not": 

"So many people today are waiting for their own golden ticket—the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about. For some, the golden ticket may be a perfect marriage; for others, a magazine-cover home or perhaps freedom from stress or worry.

There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings—we hope and seek after things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.” The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event—our golden ticket—to appear.

If we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."

Changes

What is so scary about changes in life? I've been thinking about that lately. With some big changes coming my way, I've felt some trepidation and fear. I've wondered to myself what exactly am I afraid of... Failure? Rejection? The unknown? Perhaps it's all of the above. I will just have to keep reminding myself that change is good! I need change. I've been yearning and waiting for change. Now that it's come, I must embrace it and learn to love it!

Misery Loves Company

When they say misery loves company, it's true. Somehow seeking out others who are equally or MORE miserable and heartbroken soothes the pain. It provides the blessed reassurance that indeed, we are not alone in our suffering. I never became one of those people until this past week. In an attempt to replace the emptiness a love once filled, I went searching for people with more tragic stories and experiences than my own.

I read about Nie Nie, who was in a horrible plane crash and suffered 80% burns to her body, requiring many extensive  surgeries that will likely continue for the rest of her life. I read about C. Jane, who endured years of infertility. I read about Jennifer, whose husband suddenly passed away, leaving her and their daughters without a husband and father.

As I read the stories of these people, my own pain was temporarily forgotten and alleviated. Compared to what they went through, who am I to complain? There are truly amazing people out there, who in the face of extreme trials, choose to live life and love it. It may not have come easily or quickly for them, but sooner or later they did make that choice. To embrace the pain and move on to a brighter future.

I too have had to eventually make that choice many times in order to find happiness again. It was never easy, but each succeeding time became easier with practice. More often than not, I had to remind myself multiple times of the decision I've made. To choose happiness and hope no matter the circumstance.

But this time, my decision to move on has been repeatedly met with my own doubts.

"But we were impossibly perfect for each other."
"Maybe he'll come around someday."
"How will I ever find someone I could talk to and have fun with like I could with him?"
"Will I really find someone better than him?"
 "Will I ever feel like the luckiest girl alive again?"

 Each day the doubts have lessened. My prayers for reassurance that I made the right decision are slowly being answered. I know one day, I will know without a doubt that things worked out for my own good, as it always does. For now, I can only hold on to the belief that the best is yet to come.

He Called Me Sunshine

He called me Sunshine before he knew my name. Somehow it stuck.

"It suits you," he later said. "You bring sunshine to my life."

So I became his sunshine, if only for a moment in time. 

Our relationship was a roller coaster ride. For a while, the ride was all downhill, heart-jumping-out-of-your-chest kind of excitement. 

At 3 am each night before ending our 5 hour long conversations, he whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Sweet words that one day soon became nothing. Nothing more than empty words and broken promises.

"Sleep all day while I work, sweetheart."

"You're my sweetiest sweety in the world."

"Someday I will give you all my money and everything I own, honey."

"If I married you, I'd love you forever."

My mind was mush during those moments. I couldn't think clearly. I was only capable of feeling in my heart that no one else could be more perfect for me. But before I could begin processing what he said, those words were replaced by silence and brief, thoughtless responses. The ride from then on only became an endless, uphill anticipation to get to the top for the fun downhill rush of a descent. Except that moment never came again.

When the ride finally got to the top, it only came down crashing. Painfully hard. And of course, I crashed with it.

In the aftermath of that incredible crash, I'm picking up pieces of broken hopes and dreams. Some pieces are still missing, perhaps forever lost. But I will do my best to complete the puzzle once again, and fill the missing pieces with whatever I find along the way. And someday, my puzzle will be complete once again.