Drama

I have been thinking...some things have just happened today that have caused me a lot of distress. Things that a few people have done that really made me furious at first. I found out a lot about the true nature of a few people. Sorry I am not being very specific, but I don't want to post names here on the internet for all the world to see. Anyways, my point is that I realized I do not want to be a bit like these people. I realized that there are a few things they do that I have done which I am not proud of, so I am determined to change. I decided that I want to handle this situation in a Christ-like way. I don't want to be vengeful like one of these people I was so mad at. I don't want to be a hypocrite. How would Christ deal with this? That is my question. I think that it is times like these when you feel used and betrayed and wronged that is the best time to practice being a true Christian. That is the time when your true character shows through. So I hope I pass this test. I really think that I have come to look at challenges in a new light. They really are blessings in disguise because there is so much we can learn from them. The greatest growth always comes from our greatest trials. Although this may not be a huge challenge, it is something I can learn from, so that is what I'll do. Through these "blessings", I think someday I will become exactly the kind of person I want to be.

Blessings in Disguise

Why is it that every time I feel like writing a new post on my blog but right after I get on here I lose all desire to blog at all? I'm weird like that I guess, but I am not giving into my temptation this time so I will at least write SOMETHING here. So. Life has gotten much busier since I got a job. I worked a double on Sunday (16 1/2 hours!) and it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. It went by fast because I was so busy all day. BUT you know what I found out when I got my FIRST paycheck? That I'm getting paid almost $4 more than I thought I was getting paid! Score! And to say I was thinking of quitting that job! Yeah right! I'm staying forever! At least until I graduate that is.

I keep complaining about how I don't wanna go to work and how hard it is, but I guess it's really not all that bad once I'm there. I was thinking about how I was so stressed out about not finding a job just a month ago, but see how things have worked out? How silly of me to have worried so much. Didn't I know that things would all work out? It always has, and I know it always will. I was just thinking about how I'm so grateful to have a Heavenly Father who is always watching over me and also that I'm grateful for the challenges I've had in my life that have brought me closer to Him. I have learned that challenges really are blessings in disguise if we will look at them in the right perspective. We can use our trials to draw closer to the Lord and use these experiences to develop the qualities we need in order to become like Him.

It is sad that some people think that Heavenly Father must not love them because He allows all these "bad" things happen to them, but it is precisely because He LOVES us so much that He allows us to suffer sometimes so that we may learn the things that we need to learn from those hard experiences. I know that Heavenly Father doesn't like watching us cry or hurt either, being as perfect as He is, I think that He feels so much more pain at watching His children suffer than we realize. Aren't we lucky to know we have such a Father who loves us so much? When I think about all those people out there who don't believe in God or don't know what He's like, I feel so sad for them. Thinking they only have their own power battle through life rather than being able to rely on a loving Father in Heaven and our Savior must make life SO much harder!

Anyways, life is good. I'm so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel :)

What Did I Get Myself Into?

So. I just got another job today. Now I have 2 jobs. And it's going to be crazy. I'm starting my new job in April and it will be full time, so plus my other job, I'll be working at least 48 hours a week for a month with school. I think I'm going to die. I can't switch to part time until May, so that's why I have to work so many hours. Plus I'm working night shift till 7 on Monday and then I have to go straight to orientation at my new job at 8am till 5. Yes, I am definitely going to die. I don't work well with no sleep! I am so not looking forward to it. But after the month of suffering, I will be able to switch to part time and then I'll be able to pick up however many shifts I want whenever I want. It will be the easiest job too! And I'll get paid even more than what RNs make starting out in the hospital! So really, it's the perfect job. After I get through April that is. But I'll just have to remind myself of ALL THAT MONEY I'll be making and all those shoes I can now afford to buy, then maybe I'll get through it. After having to skimp and save on everything the past 6 months, now I will have an abundance of money! More than I know what to do with! Well, not really. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be hard to think of how I could spend it all, but of course, I am a saver. My bank account is about to get very rich. Yes!

Crazy

So I'm doing my clinicals at the mental hospital right now. I've gotta say it is quite interesting and intriguing to me to interact with these people who are mentally ill. The unit I am on is for men who have criminal charges who were found incompetent and were sent to the hospital to restore competency for their trial or hearing. Some are in for things like stealing, or using illegal drugs, or worst, killing someone.

Although it sounds scary, it really isn't too bad. Surprisingly, most of the patients are very nice and friendly. One older man apparently really likes talking to me, because everytime I go, he comes and finds me and then starts going off about the most random things. He has interesting delusions like how everyone on the unit is gay, or how everyone in UT are druggies and that he needs to get out, or how he's being held hostage in the hospital, or how there are all these conspiracies in the government, or that they are building nuclear power plants on his land, or how there is a Pot plantation up in the mountain. Makes for entertaining conversation, wouldn't you agree?

The first day when we had orientation we had to do this "voices" simulation, where you put on earphones and experience what it's like to hear voices in your head like schizophrenics. That was the most disturbing experience I've ever been through. It was absolutely awful and terrifying, and we only had to listen for 10 minutes. I was seriously disturbed the rest of the day and couldn't get it out of my head. That night I was scared to go to bed.

I don't think I can describe in words how horrible it was! The voices were just so...creepy. Sometimes they tell them to do awful things like hurt themselves or loved ones. Or they tell them all these bad things about themselves like how they are useless and that no one likes them or things like that. I think after doing that simulation, I gained a new respect and compassion for these people who are mentally ill. I truly think that would be the worst kind of illness you could possibly have. How awful would it be to not be able to tell hallucinations or delusions from reality? What you believe IS your reality. Can you imagine living like that and always having people tell you you're crazy and what you believe is false? I can't.

Being in nursing has really helped me appreciate my health. It is awful seeing all these sick people all the time and all the horrible things they have to go through. Appreciate your health and never take it for granted! Take care of your body, because having good health really is one of the greatest blessings you could have.

Guilty Pleasures

Recently (as in the past...2 months) I have been addicted to this You Tube channel of this family who vlogs everyday. I know, I know, it's the dumbest thing to be addicted to, but I can't help it. I have to get my daily dose or I will suffer from insomnia until I appease my addiction. It's this Mormon family with 3 little kids who are living in LA. It is just interesting watching their daily lives and their kids are so stinking cute. Their lives just seem so much more interesting than mine. If I vlogged everyday, I'm sure the only things you'd ever see me do is watch me wake up, brush my teeth, watch You Tube, blog stalk, and the end. My life is that boring. But somehow, the ShayTards (yes, reTarded name, right? And that's what they actually call themselves. Shaytard, Mommytard, Sontard, Princesstard, and Babytard. I know what you're thinking. "You're addicted to a family who calls themselves TARDS?" YES, I am, ok? So what? I like it.) as I was saying....the ShayTards actually have different things to vlog about everyday. Just facinates me. Ok, so the parents are even more obnoxious than the kids (and that really says something since their oldest kid is only 6), but somehow in the process of thinking how ridiculous they are, I became addicted. Where's the sense in that? Don't ask me. They have another channel (Shaycarl) where they make even dumber skit kinda things. They are so riduculously stupid that I can't help but laugh and be entertained. Hey, don't judge my addiction. Maybe after you watch them, you'll be addicted too.

P.S. There is this blog I LOVE to stalk because there is THE CUTEST baby!! Look at her and tell me I'm wrong! I am quite obsessed with her. Please don't tell her parents.

Greener Grass

When is the grass really greener on the other side? Really? I've learned that most of the time it isn't. I just started my new job a week ago, and seriously, I already miss being jobless. Working sucks. Especially when you don't like your job and you don't know what you're doing (i.e. ME). I oriented a total of 3 times on the floor before I started having my own patients to take care of by myself (almost TWENTY might I add. In the hospital, the most patients I've helped care for was like 5 or 6, so 20 is definitely A LOT especially when I don't know who ANYONE is and I'm trying to keep my brain together just to memorize names).

I'm pretty sure I was clueless about EVERYTHING because the nurses who helped orient me pretty much taught me nothing. And then they throw me out there all by myself. What do they want me to do, kill a patient? Ok, so they didn't throw out there ALL by myself, there were people there to help me, but they had their own patients too so time wasn't exactly a luxury to them either. Both yesterday and today I had no break, no time to even get a drink of water or go to the bathroom, and I stayed after 2 hours to finish everything. That equals working 10 hours running around like a mad woman whose legs are about to fall off. Plus the 2 hours of commuting (it's up in SLC). Plus waking up at 4:30 (since it was daylight savings today, I technically woke up at 3:30. 3:30!!! Who wakes up at 3:30 for work?? On a Sunday??). Yeah, shoot me.

Seriously, I get off work and I just want to crawl in a hole and die. The aides ask me questions and I have no idea what to do. I'm starting to think I should've worked harder and paid more attention in my nursing classes. And today I get yelled at by an aide cuz I asked her to bring a resident some food since I had a billion other things to do. She like freaked out and asked why I couldn't do it and that I'm part of the team and blah blah blah. WELL, if you haven't noticed, I'm NEW, and I haven't even had time to go to the bathroom once, and I haven't gotten a lunch break to eat anything when I'm starving, and I had to stay 2 hours after I was supposed to be off so I could finish everything. At least you have time for a break and to sit down once in a while! Jeez, I wanted to cry afterwards. Not like I wasn't overwhelmed enough. I even apologized to her later cuz I didn't want to be on bad terms and have someone hate me already on my 2nd week of work. Work already sucks enough without someone freaking out at me for asking them to take 5 minutes to help me out.


So no, if you wanted to know, work is not going well at all.

Don't ask me why I went into nursing, because honestly, I have no idea. I got my nurse assistant license back in high school, and I knew I didn't wanna be a nurse. But randomly one day during my freshman year in college, I decided to be a nurse. I must've been out of my mind that day, but ever since I decided to be a nurse, I had no other goal in life but to get into the nursing program at BYU. Now that I'm almost done, I can say that I honestly have not enjoyed nursing school one bit. Not for a single moment. Ok, that's an exaggeration. There might have been one or two times I thought I made the right decision. But for the most part, I disliked clinicals. I disliked working in the hospital. I disliked 12 hour shifts. I disliked following nurses around. It was just a whole lot of disliking. Period. I thought maybe it's not nursing that I disliked. Maybe it was just working in the hospital. Maybe I'd like working somewhere else. Or maybe it was having to follow nurses around and being told what to do. But I decided it's not those reasons. It is the actual job I don't like. Perhaps it's a bit premature to say so, but you'd think I'd have an idea of whether I like nursing or not having gone through millions of hours of clinicals. But then I remember that nurses don't only work in the hospital. They work in ALL different types of places and even different jobs, not just bedside nursing. It is the bedside nursing that I dislike. I could teach, I could work on the administrative side, or business side, or management, or work in a clinic, or a million other places. So maybe I made the right decision afterall and there's no need to despair.

Well, I am done complaining for the day. I think I'm gonna go lay down. My back and feet are screaming at me at the moment.

Ima Whiner

So I'm a whiner sometimes. Ok, maybe more than sometimes, but who isn't, right? Well, today I realized how really annoying and obnoxious whiners are, and have since resolved to correct my ways. I have this "friend" (ok, so we're not really friends. We are just forced to associate with each other daily) who only complains to me about our other "friends" and nothing else. That is seriously basically the ONLY thing she talks to me about. Now I'm quite a patient person, but I really am kind of sick of her complaining and whining about our "friends" and the messes they leave. So I avoid her.

Anyways, the point of my story is that I have realized one essential quality my future husband must have, and that is to be able to withstand my complaining and whining on a daily basis. Now that will be quite the big feat to find someone like that, but you know what? I have found him. He's only a friend, sometimes a big brother, sometimes my supporter and confidant, other times I don't know what we are, but we are as close as two people 1000 miles away can be. He listens to my endless complaints about everything, from awful assignments, to boy problems, to bipolar UT weather, to fruitless job hunts, to my friend's loser boyfriends or my own lack thereof. He listens to it all. Patiently. And mind you, my complaints of the friend's bf has been going on for almost 2 years and he STILL listens patiently. How in the world are we even still friends you ask? Well, I'm convinced we're meant to be. Now I've just got to convince him.

Yep.

So, I admit I laugh at my own jokes sometimes. Yes. I am one of those people. So what? I like it. And yes. I am random.

Anyways, today was a good day. As good as a 12 hour clinical day could be anyways. I actually felt useful instead of sitting around all day falling asleep in the corner. Those are the worst. Of the 22 years of living, I discovered being busy is much better than being bored. I've spent 3/4 of my life banging my head up against the wall from boredom (hence my big head. Um, I don't know how that exactly relates, but maybe from all the swelling?). So yes, being busy means no head banging, and honestly, my day really goes much smoother without it. I think one of the problems I've had all my life is finding things to occupy myself with. My mom always told me I've been whining about being bored ever since I could utter my first word, and you guessed right, that word was no other than the word BORED. Well, that's a long time of being bored, you know. Maybe one of my new years resolutions this year is to NOT be bored. Find ways of entertaining myself. And maybe methods without having to do with the internet.

Anyways, see how much better I am at updating this blog? That's just how much I love you cyberspace stalkers out there. And maybe I should stop blogging in the early mornings when the weird side of me manifests itself. Then maybe some of the things I write would actually make sense. Yes, I think it's time my head hit the pillows.

P.S. I know this is the most boring looking blog ever. I am really bad at taking pictures, and even worse at uploading and posting them online. And the funny thing is, I have WAY more pictures on my private blog and I actually take time to make it look cute. Sorry, I guess I love myself more than you.

Concentration Issues

Yes, that is one issue I definitely have. Unfortunately. Doesn't make life too easy, especially on Tuesdays when I have class all day. Or when I'm supposed to be studying for tests. Like right now. So I give up. For now. I am giving in to my natural man and doing what I do best. Procrastinate.

Anyhow, I am SO over school! I am so close to being done, yet too far! You know those times when you feel like your life lacks any sort of enjoyment and inspiration? I am in one of those ruts. Life is just going...and going...and I have no other purpose in life other than to be done with school. Except at the same time I don't want it to be over, because I don't want to graduate and have to find a job and move away. Even if it's to sunny California. Well, I do, but I don't. I feel ready to move on to the next phase of my life, but then at the same time I'm not ready to leave everything I love behind. Sigh. Life.

Well, obviously, I just  like to ramble on about nothing in particular. That's the story of my life. The end. (I decided my procrastinating time is over. Must. Get. Back. To. Studying.)

My Happy List

10. When the people I blog stalk update their blogs. It's true, I check each blog I stalk about 10 times a day, and really, nothing makes me happier after a long day than when I find new posts.

9. My favorite TV shows. Which are not many- One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries, The Bachelor. Yes, I know I said how ridiculous I said I thought The Bachelor is, and that fact remains true, but I still have to admit that stupid girls chasing/fighting after shallow boy is somewhat entertaining.

8. Facebook comments. I am coming out. Yes, I am a FB junkie. When I find new comments on my wall, it just fuels my addiction and therefore, provides my daily dose of euphoria. Especially those telling me how incredibly wonderful I am.

7. A clean house. I recently realized how (relatively) OCD I am about things being neat and orderly. Especially in the kitchen and living room. When I see a perfectly clean house, it makes me feel all tingly inside. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than seeing a sparkling kitchen floor and everything in perfect order.

6. Food. Chocolate, cheesecake, ice cream, Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Pinkberry, pastries, pineapple, cheese, egg plant, Oatmeal Squares, EVERYTHING. I like it all. And it makes me happy.

5. My most comfortable queen sized bed. Need I say more?

4. Babies and little children. I know you already know how obsessed I am with these creatures. I just can't help but gush over all these cute babies with chubby cheeks! If you have cute kids, you might want to be careful. I might just steal them away.

3. Writing. As evidenced by this blog. And my other blog. And my Xanga. And my 50 journals. Yes, I literally have that many. Ok, maybe only like 25.

2. Baking. Cakes. Cookies. Pastries. Pies. Muffins. Bread. Especially the eating part afterwards. Yes, I made that cake. Ok, no I didn't. But I will make one that looks like that one of these days.

1.You Tube videos of funny babies. You know, the evil eye baby, Charlie bit my finger, babies dancing to Beyonce. They're just so stinkin funny and cute! Ok, I watch other videos on You Tube too, like make up tutorials...

Roommates

I've only been moved out for 5 months, but it already seems like an eternity. And I'm ready to have my own place.

No more roommates stealing my parking spot. No more roommates stealing my food. No more roommates barging in my room without knocking. No more roommates walking all over my room in their dirty shoes. No more roommates making the kitchen a mess. No more roommates filling up the garbage within a day. No more roommates using up more of my toilet paper than I use myself. No more roommates stomping around the house. No more roommates being loud right when I'm trying to sleep.

Along with all the things my roommates do that I don't like, my freedom is also restricted.

No laying around in whatever unlady-like position I want. No walking around half naked in my bra and underwear (sorry if that's too much information.......). No watching whatever TV shows I want when I feel like it. No cooking smelly Asian food. No decorating the living room however I want.

Yes. I am over it.

Although I regret moving out sometimes, this has been a necessary college experience. I guess it's all good.

My Epiphany

While watching The Bachelor yesterday (for the first time might I add), I suddenly realized a great eternal truth. All hot guys are cocky, shallow, or more likely, both. Good looking guys who AREN'T cocky and/or shallow simply don't exist. Yes, it took me 22 years to come to this conclusion.

P.S. Might I add how incredibly ridiculous reality shows like The Bachelor are?? While watching it yesterday, I think I felt about 1,000,000 of my brain cells pop into non-existence. No offense to those who are fans.

Blog Stalker

Yes. I admit. I blog stalk religiously. I'm probably the biggest blog stalker you'll meet. So if you have a blog, be careful because I am very likely blog stalking you.

Anyway, I decided since I blog stalk, it is not so right to not also be contributing a bit to the blogging world so other people may blog stalk me as well. Right. I am so horrible at this blogging thing, mostly because I don't have my own blog stalker club stalking me, so people, get on it! Ha...ha...my "humor" cracks me up....not.

In reality, I just can never think of things to blog about even though I love writing. In fact, I love writing EXCESSIVELY. I actually do write quite a lot. Everywhere else. Just not on this blog. In fact, I actually have three blogs, two of which are private where I do all my writing, or more accurately, rambling on, so no one can witness my insane weirdness. Sorry nonexistent fans for disappointing you in case you were interested in reading about my daily random craziness.

But you know, writing is like my comfort food, except it's not food. Or you know that blankie you had when you were five that made any boo boo you had go away? Yes, writing is my blankie and my ice cream and chocolate and cheesecake. That's how much I love writing (or rambling I mean). I LOVE it.

That being said, I really seriously cannot think of an interesting topic to post about. . . . . . . . . . . . . .................I don't even know why I try. Apparently I give up, so that will be all for today.